its been a while

the sound of fingers hitting keys on a computer filled the empty room. pauses marked the anticipated nervous waits for responses. two people were making plans. they met at a doughnut shop, the older, sitting there, eating a slice of pizza, drinking a bottled juice. the guy had gotten it wrong. not the grapefruit one, he had wanted the cranberry one. doesn't anyone understand 'second from the right?' so, he sits with his pizza and grapefruit juice. he takes a bite of the pizza, hot cheese burns the roof of his mouth and a thought rushes into his head. 'what a great first impression, drooling cheese as i stuff my face.' he lets the pizza cool for a moment. he sits facing out. he can see the street and the people walking by. a few come in, get their doughnuts or piece of pizza to go and rush out of the shop, simply in a hurry. a homeless guy counts out change on the counter and gets an apple fritter. such simple pleasures. the young man eats the rest of his pizza, wary of how it lies. such simple betrayals. he walks to the door, steps over the homeless guy smoking a massive roach. he stands on the corner for a moment, lights his cigarette, and looks over toward the throng of people gathered on the plaza. he stands, leaning on the stop sign. watching the group he picks out the human types. wonders if they are truly from this planet. he ashes on himself, getting lost in the moment. he brushes off the ash, stomps out the butt and walks back into the store. sitting back in his seat, a group of bikers pull up in front of the store. the windows rattle and they walk in. dressed in leather, they order their food and sit down at the table next to the young man. they talk about whats going on at the office. their food comes, a bagel with no butter. cholesterol he cites as the reason. such simple precautions. a younger guy walks in, meets eyes with the young man and smiles. they shake hands and talk in hushed tones. no he doesn't want to get something to eat. so, they leave the shop, stepping over the homeless guy with the roach that never seems to die, both the roach and the old guy. they walk up the street a way, turn around making small talk, a movie was in the plans but they had missed the first time. so they get in the car, drive around the plaza, out into the country. they both reveal little bits of themselves, letting down the walls one by one. they decide to forgo the movie and go to the beach. sitting in the car, watching the boats go past, a hand brushes a hand. their eyes meet. moving closer, their lips touched. hands exploring, running under clothing, lips locked in a carnal embrace, the flames of passion igniting. the young man drives back to his apartment, fighting the urge to drop down a gear and floor it. the drive back is silent, except for a few words spoken here and there. they step into the apartment clothes flying every direction. they lay down on the bed naked, lips still locked.
............................

they lay there, exhausted, drained, suddenly terribly tired. the young man in desperate need of a smoke. they dress and sitting there on the edge of the bed, eyes avoiding. the younger man says without looking at the other said, "We're just friends right?" the young man's heart sinks, looks down and says, ''yeah, sure.'' the young man drops him off back in front of the doughnut shop. looks at the sidewalk, the old homeless man, nursing the roach back to life, takes a long drag. the young man drives home and sits down at the computer. the empty room is silent once again. he puts on headphones to keep the silence away and begins to type. Key strokes echo in an empty room....

what goes on in my head.

so i thought, 'its been a while since i wrote a rambling useless blog'. so, i then thought to myself, 'nobody reads those damn things' then i thought, 'well, you never know, someone might comment' then i thought, 'your fooling yourself to think that people actually read those damn things' then i thought, 'well, im gonna write one anyway, and if you dont like it, you can sleep on the couch, you selfish jerk!' so, i sit infront of my computer, myself sulking in the other room, mumbling about meeting me at that cafe and generally being an ass. but, screw him. ive had alot to think about over the last few months. ive decided that im going to carpe noctum. im going to quit being distracted by porn bots trying to be your friend on here and just free flow write. DAMN PORN BOTS shut up myself! you had better not have gotten into the freezer again and drank all the fracking good vodca again! so, now im back. the music is thumping in my headphones, i dont need them now that i have a new computer and the speakers work just fine, i just like the feeling of being completly cut off from the outside world. just me, the music, that drunk in the kitchen, and the computer. so i sit here finishing off my pack of smokes for the day. what a wonderful invention the 24 hr gas station. the late night girl knows me. that remindes me, little acts of kindness are so wonderful. the other day at subway, the lady gave me 3 cookies, you hear that 3, yeah, thats right, 3. not 2, but 3. i am so awsome, people just give me stuff, what a wonderful world we live in. 3 cookies, i didnt even notice until i got home, finished my chicken bacon ranch footlong and went for the cookies. someone told me today that i should write a book of erotic gay fiction... its a thought... id have to have some awsome pen name. i wonder if there is any money in it? would i cater to anyone other than fat married men who read it by candle light in the basement? its something i think about you know...so, at this moment, im looking at my blog thingy over there and it says ive posted 58 blogs, this will make 59... what a thought. i mean, most of them are pointless rants about nothing that just end up taking up space on a server somewhere, but some of them are true works of art. sometimes late at night, when the rest of the world is asleep, i go back and read my blogs, leaving enlightining comments and giving myself kudos.... just kidding i dont do that, that would be really lame.....ok fine ive done it, i just deleat them after. so, ive noticed that ive been using alot of commas lately. of this im sorrry, i just find it difficult to type what i hear in my head without adding the correct pauses and inflections. inflections are completely lost while typing, i guess im just trying to fix what isnt broken. but how else am i supposed to type with an english accent without proper commas! dont judge me.the other day in the shower, i was standing there, letting the water run, waiting for the next time it suddenly turns freezzzzing cold, when a wonderful joke came to mind, it was brilliant, blog worthy, but the problem is that i have completly forgotten it. i know it was a blond joke. i know it was funny. but the gist of it is completly lost. something someone should get me is a waterproof white board. do they make those? well, it would be wonderful if it hasnt allready been thought of. when i was little, i was sitting watching my dad work on the truck and i thought, 'wouldnt it be great if the heads of screwdrivers were magnatised?' i told my dad, and he promply told me that they already were, just not the cheap set he had... my hopes of being a milionare were dashed to pieces. is it bad when you have all three of your profiles open at once on your computer... i mean, ive got 3 or 4 main ones, my myspace, obviously. my hotornot, which is incredibly annoying. my Dlist, which ive finally started enjoying. and my open window that i can surf on. most of the time, i just switchh between them waiting for someone to message me, or poke me, or tell me that they are 'into' me. is this what my life had come down to? do i really not plan because im not disapointed when nothing happens? have i lost my grip on reality and other then work, will i never leave the house? Myself wants to say something, '' those fucking bastards! we dont need them!" in this reference myself is depicted in a plaid hat and hunting jacket, DRINKING MY GOOD VODKA!!!! ok, so its cold, i just got chills. and i hve to use the restroom ill be right back. ok, back and after standing in front of the stove for a while, i am warm. i feel like an idiot. i wonder how long the fans been off on the damn thing... no wonder it was so cold. maybe it will actually heat up in here now? one can only dream. so, im listening to katy perry right now. i kissed a girl. such an awsome song. i heard a i kissed a boy remake a while ago. that was even better. i was so sad to loose my music collection when my computer died. my music, pictures, my porn collection! everything gone in one fatal sweep. hehe, now its pink, dont let me get me. i have a connection with this song. such a conncection its scary. like shes in my head... maybe she is.so its 1239 at the moment. if i was at work...lets see, id probly be doing something just as boring as this. problem is people dont have to subject themselves to my writing and its haphazard, aquward style. with my catastrophic spelling and rambling im supprized ive been viewed as many times as i have. but viewing doesnt mean reading does it...despite loosing friends, two failed internet relationships, and my computer kicking the bucket, these last few months have been pretty good. i got into debt, i got out and am doing ok... what am i saying, these last few months have been hell. im fooling myself. ive started limiting myself to only a few emotional outbursts per months. emotion is what the hole problem is. if i could be completely unemotional, i would be. no emotional attachments to people i have no chance with, no late night crys, no arguments, no loving people. just to exist, it would be a dream, but thats the problem with dreams, we wake up from them.so, as another ciggarett butt goes into the ashtray that is 4 burger king cups stacked together, i notice that i have a major headache and realize that ive only eaten once today. one meal a day you would think that id be thinner. i need to find an athletic hobby. i wish i was one of these people who are compelled to exercise, compeled to have perfect bodies, and dress well... but, im not. im happy just to sit and listen to my music, simply observe those perfect bodies and hope that one day ill have some catistrophic accident that turns me into some exercise freak by way of brain damage.so i think its funny that someone put sand out on my road. complete with 'icy' signs. its a little late i think. a few weeks ago i was driving home at 5 miles an hour hopeing and praying to whatever saint protects those driving on ice that i would make it home. i mean power stearing is great, and ive got it in my car, but going from power to super steering is not fun, believe me. luckly i made it home, but as i uncurlled my fingers and reattached some broken fingernails, i realized that when i move, if i move, im going somewhere warm. not to warm, but that perfect weather we all dream of. like late summer?So, ive exausted my random thoughts. myself is passed out in the corner, and most of my good vodka is gone. lightweight. so i sit here, listening to sara barelles and then i realize that shes from eureka so, its a great way to end the night and finially rest my head on my pillow. note to self.... self?....SELF 'what? cant you see im passed out?' yeah, we need to do laundry sometime. 'fine whatever' so, goodnight everyone, sleep well, dream good dreams, be happy, have that last drink for me, enjoy yourselves, cause all we have is today. now to get myself to bed. he'll be hung over in the moring i know it.fin.bones.

downward swing

so i find myself in a peticular place. im on a slope. that downward, ever increasing grade to a sudden profound stop. i sit here in my house, at 430ish in the morning, unable to sleep, unable to do anything. im on a depressive cycle. i had the strangest urge tonight, when i went to the gas station, picked up some snack food, and filled up my car. i had the urge to just drive, with no particular destination, just drive and see where i was when the sun came up. but, common sence interviened yet again. i drove home, through the dark, dodging a raccoon and almost hitting an oppossum. it was my little bro's birthday today, i went down, and sat in on his karate class. he kicks ass. mother and i had a pretty big argument the other day, so i was just going to make an appearence, drop off his gift, and leave. i didnt want to impose my pressence on mother any more than neccessary. i was driving down, about halfway there when the phone rings. being a rebel, and without a headset, i answered. she wanted me to have dinner with them. so i said ok. i arrived, watched the karate class, and then went to dinner. i felt so much disgust from her it was disturbing. she cannot be happy with anything that i do. never mind the fact that im in the running for a promotion, never mind the fact that i have a job, a car, a truck, and i love my life. i can do nothing good enough for her. when were were having the argument, i half felt like saying, "and hey mom, guess what, im a faggot! what do you think about that?" but that good old friend common sence kept me silent as she belittled me, and verbally spat on my profession. she poked at how casinos are so evil and that gambling is a drug. i said "well, i gamble, but im not addicted." she counters, "ciggaretts are a drug." i almost wanted to tell her, 'well, your wine you so greatly indulge in is also a drug, so go drown your sorry existence in it like you do every afternoon.' but again, common sence to the rescue. so its damn near 500 in the morning, i suppose with a belly full of junk food and a mind full of problems i should be able to sleep wonderfully. PEOPLE, DO WHAT YOU LOVE, LOVE WHAT YOU DO.

some of the most amazing work ive ever seen

so some friends and i were browsing craigslist. yes, we are that bored and yes, we were that drunk. we stumbled across this gem and i felt that i should share it with you all. it is some of the most amazing writing ive seen in a while. so sit back and enjoy. this is a dedication to the drama that ive been having in my life for the past few weeks.

Originally Posted: Thu, 26 Feb 07:37 EST
You worthless bag of filth
Date: 2009-02-26, 7:37AM EST
You vulgar little maggot. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a slug than be seen with you. You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon. You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beast who sired you and then killed himself in recognition of what he had done. Your daddy was a bastard, your mamma was a whore, and you wouldn't be here if the rubber hadn't tore. I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a booger. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell? You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs. You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Sheep won't have sex with you––only trash such as yourself. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot. And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake? You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile, one-handed, slack-jawed, drooling, meatslapper. On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of a used condom. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go. You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill. You are a fiend and a coward, and you have toe jam. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away forever. I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid, so stupid it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left.

drama lite

so my life, as some of you may know, is full of drama. ive been talking to people online for many many years. ever since i first stumbled head first into a chat room on yahoo, ive had a following. ive talked to thousands of guys online but only recently have i been actually feeling something for these brief texts flashing across my screen. ive had 4 online relationships since i really started spending alot of time online. each of these, except for the present one, has been a wreck. the first one, a guy i met from new york, he and i started talking and had quite a connection, it turned out that he was a bastard and we never spoke again. then there was another guy, he was sweet, he was conciderate, he stopped talking to me when my computer crashed. then there was this guy, he was sweet, he was everything i wanted, he messaged me yesterday. he started off telling me how he had talked to this guy and how he was saying that i was a player and a bunch of other shit. and how he had found a great guy who was so much better than me. i said he was full of shit and that i hope he has a great life and to stop messing with mine. so, then after smoothing things over with the present guy, i started to hear all the bullshit he had said. he had said that id given him HIV and that i had laughed at it! i just about died. how could a person say those kinds of things about someone! first of all, i dont have hiv. i am not a player, i do not throw the word 'love' around. believe me. ive learned my lesson in that department. so, the moral of this story is 1. drama is evil 2. arguing on the internet is stupid 3. life sucks.

another angry blog?

So, i get an email from a guy, saying how good looking i am, how my eyes shine with a deepness that he hasnt ever seen. so, we start talking, starts talking all sexyfied and shit. really? i mean, if your going to shower me with compliments, then do so, dont just use it to get into my pants! Come on people, use some tact! you gotta work to get into these pants! first of all the clasp is a bitch. why is it i always attract the most perverted guys? the uglies, the fatties, and the people who just leave me in the dust? if you just want to use me, use me. tell me your going to use me. dont promise me the world, and then leave. sleep well everyone, i know i wont.

a vicious rant

So as my weekend begins the crimes i commit against myself pile up. falling into the same trap once again, my heart lingers on the precipice of uncertainty, that fall into doubt. Things fall apart and my life is one of those things. holding tightly to my self-concious self, we are all spinning out of control. sitting in the van, my note book spread across my lap, the jacket tight against this cold that threatens to eat one's soul. not all of it is just the weather but i feel a cold much deeper than just the clear, star studded sky. taking down notes on quantum black holes, wishing i had one in the back seat, and thinking about shit. i've been doing alot of that lately and as this year goes on, ive got plans. nothing set in stone, for that would be to much for this punny mind. just thoughts, drifting through the vapors of dollar ciggaretts, discarded thoughts, and what the ancient greeks called humor. so, as i sit here again, in my house, the smell of cheezy popcorn, sweat, and smoke, i drift back into that place. after being hurt again, i feel that cold again. the kind of cold that can only be the freezing of a soul. The total disregard for people, particularly men, not giving a flying fuck about them. i dont like women, i dont like men, am i really missing the point here, or am i just letting the words drift from my mouth like the smoke im inhaling? ive given up on finding that perfect guy. the guy i was with today thinks im the world. that im perfect, but i look into my self and i see the doubt piling up and those little nagging thoughts about people ive been with and how they have all gone away, is this the same thing, only taking longer this time around? so, as the draft autosaves and im stuck here with my cigarette ashing on me and my electric blanket heats up the bed i wonder if i am going to stay on the precipice, or if im just gonna have to jump and hope that the jumper nets will catch me. maybe ill find that someone. someone who will talk to me for more than a night. someone who wont promise me the world and end up just taking up space in my head. someone who can be the center of my univers and not make me feel like im the only one in it. so, ill go crawl into my bed, between two sheets of ice, snuggle up to the wall and hope and pray to whatever god enjoys fucking with me that ill find that someone. whoever he may be. where ever he might be. sleep well world, for tomarrow, is another day, another chance, another hope.


"we are not here, none of us are, we are just more likely to be here than not here..."
Life