what goes on in my head.

so i thought, 'its been a while since i wrote a rambling useless blog'. so, i then thought to myself, 'nobody reads those damn things' then i thought, 'well, you never know, someone might comment' then i thought, 'your fooling yourself to think that people actually read those damn things' then i thought, 'well, im gonna write one anyway, and if you dont like it, you can sleep on the couch, you selfish jerk!' so, i sit infront of my computer, myself sulking in the other room, mumbling about meeting me at that cafe and generally being an ass. but, screw him. ive had alot to think about over the last few months. ive decided that im going to carpe noctum. im going to quit being distracted by porn bots trying to be your friend on here and just free flow write. DAMN PORN BOTS shut up myself! you had better not have gotten into the freezer again and drank all the fracking good vodca again! so, now im back. the music is thumping in my headphones, i dont need them now that i have a new computer and the speakers work just fine, i just like the feeling of being completly cut off from the outside world. just me, the music, that drunk in the kitchen, and the computer. so i sit here finishing off my pack of smokes for the day. what a wonderful invention the 24 hr gas station. the late night girl knows me. that remindes me, little acts of kindness are so wonderful. the other day at subway, the lady gave me 3 cookies, you hear that 3, yeah, thats right, 3. not 2, but 3. i am so awsome, people just give me stuff, what a wonderful world we live in. 3 cookies, i didnt even notice until i got home, finished my chicken bacon ranch footlong and went for the cookies. someone told me today that i should write a book of erotic gay fiction... its a thought... id have to have some awsome pen name. i wonder if there is any money in it? would i cater to anyone other than fat married men who read it by candle light in the basement? its something i think about you know...so, at this moment, im looking at my blog thingy over there and it says ive posted 58 blogs, this will make 59... what a thought. i mean, most of them are pointless rants about nothing that just end up taking up space on a server somewhere, but some of them are true works of art. sometimes late at night, when the rest of the world is asleep, i go back and read my blogs, leaving enlightining comments and giving myself kudos.... just kidding i dont do that, that would be really lame.....ok fine ive done it, i just deleat them after. so, ive noticed that ive been using alot of commas lately. of this im sorrry, i just find it difficult to type what i hear in my head without adding the correct pauses and inflections. inflections are completely lost while typing, i guess im just trying to fix what isnt broken. but how else am i supposed to type with an english accent without proper commas! dont judge me.the other day in the shower, i was standing there, letting the water run, waiting for the next time it suddenly turns freezzzzing cold, when a wonderful joke came to mind, it was brilliant, blog worthy, but the problem is that i have completly forgotten it. i know it was a blond joke. i know it was funny. but the gist of it is completly lost. something someone should get me is a waterproof white board. do they make those? well, it would be wonderful if it hasnt allready been thought of. when i was little, i was sitting watching my dad work on the truck and i thought, 'wouldnt it be great if the heads of screwdrivers were magnatised?' i told my dad, and he promply told me that they already were, just not the cheap set he had... my hopes of being a milionare were dashed to pieces. is it bad when you have all three of your profiles open at once on your computer... i mean, ive got 3 or 4 main ones, my myspace, obviously. my hotornot, which is incredibly annoying. my Dlist, which ive finally started enjoying. and my open window that i can surf on. most of the time, i just switchh between them waiting for someone to message me, or poke me, or tell me that they are 'into' me. is this what my life had come down to? do i really not plan because im not disapointed when nothing happens? have i lost my grip on reality and other then work, will i never leave the house? Myself wants to say something, '' those fucking bastards! we dont need them!" in this reference myself is depicted in a plaid hat and hunting jacket, DRINKING MY GOOD VODKA!!!! ok, so its cold, i just got chills. and i hve to use the restroom ill be right back. ok, back and after standing in front of the stove for a while, i am warm. i feel like an idiot. i wonder how long the fans been off on the damn thing... no wonder it was so cold. maybe it will actually heat up in here now? one can only dream. so, im listening to katy perry right now. i kissed a girl. such an awsome song. i heard a i kissed a boy remake a while ago. that was even better. i was so sad to loose my music collection when my computer died. my music, pictures, my porn collection! everything gone in one fatal sweep. hehe, now its pink, dont let me get me. i have a connection with this song. such a conncection its scary. like shes in my head... maybe she is.so its 1239 at the moment. if i was at work...lets see, id probly be doing something just as boring as this. problem is people dont have to subject themselves to my writing and its haphazard, aquward style. with my catastrophic spelling and rambling im supprized ive been viewed as many times as i have. but viewing doesnt mean reading does it...despite loosing friends, two failed internet relationships, and my computer kicking the bucket, these last few months have been pretty good. i got into debt, i got out and am doing ok... what am i saying, these last few months have been hell. im fooling myself. ive started limiting myself to only a few emotional outbursts per months. emotion is what the hole problem is. if i could be completely unemotional, i would be. no emotional attachments to people i have no chance with, no late night crys, no arguments, no loving people. just to exist, it would be a dream, but thats the problem with dreams, we wake up from them.so, as another ciggarett butt goes into the ashtray that is 4 burger king cups stacked together, i notice that i have a major headache and realize that ive only eaten once today. one meal a day you would think that id be thinner. i need to find an athletic hobby. i wish i was one of these people who are compelled to exercise, compeled to have perfect bodies, and dress well... but, im not. im happy just to sit and listen to my music, simply observe those perfect bodies and hope that one day ill have some catistrophic accident that turns me into some exercise freak by way of brain damage.so i think its funny that someone put sand out on my road. complete with 'icy' signs. its a little late i think. a few weeks ago i was driving home at 5 miles an hour hopeing and praying to whatever saint protects those driving on ice that i would make it home. i mean power stearing is great, and ive got it in my car, but going from power to super steering is not fun, believe me. luckly i made it home, but as i uncurlled my fingers and reattached some broken fingernails, i realized that when i move, if i move, im going somewhere warm. not to warm, but that perfect weather we all dream of. like late summer?So, ive exausted my random thoughts. myself is passed out in the corner, and most of my good vodka is gone. lightweight. so i sit here, listening to sara barelles and then i realize that shes from eureka so, its a great way to end the night and finially rest my head on my pillow. note to self.... self?....SELF 'what? cant you see im passed out?' yeah, we need to do laundry sometime. 'fine whatever' so, goodnight everyone, sleep well, dream good dreams, be happy, have that last drink for me, enjoy yourselves, cause all we have is today. now to get myself to bed. he'll be hung over in the moring i know it.fin.bones.